- If you say “Bang”, will Osaka people react as if they were shot?
- #7 Milk is Poison
- Extra: How to use chopsticks
- Valentine’s Day in Japan: Women, make chocolate for the men!
- Pepsi Japan
- #6 Do not shave your pubes
- EPOS: You Are What You Buy
- Entertaining Crimes in Japan Awards, 2008 edition
- #5 Read Manga Versions of Serious Books
- How to Speak Fluent Japanese Without Saying a Word pt 2
Category Archives: How to Pretend You’re Japanese
Here’s an important discovery I made while visiting my Japanese teacher’s house for dinner.
So, we’re sitting there, doing some small-talk and eating Japanese food made by his wife. We’re 8 people by the table: my Japanese teacher Ishiguro-sensei, his wife, their two children, both under 6 years old, and 4 international students.
At the end of the meal we get some dessert- a very nice and elaborate looking cake with super cool icing. The kids are offered some cake too, but they refuse it politely asking to have some milk instead. The wife brings a bottle of milk and pours half a glass for each kid. Their eyes sparkle. The kids down the milk like an Eastern European downs vodka.
Putting their best puppy-eyes on show, they ask for more milk.
The teacher looks at us, foreign students, curious with the situation, and unwillingly pours a quarter of a glass of milk. He then adds they shouldn’t drink so much milk because it’s bad for them, and swiftly takes the remaining milk away from the kids’ eyes.
Now, what can you learn from this story?
By no means does it mean you can no longer drink milk in Japan and that each time you take that bottle of milk in SAEKI everyone will realise you are indeed, a gaijin.
However, there are some steps you should take to maintain your thoroughly worked upon Japanese identity:
- When you go food shopping, don’t fall into the habit of putting milk as one of the first items into the basket as that reveals you consider it a staple item. It should be something you put in your basket last, as if it were a sinful treat
- If you own a small food store, consider storing milk by the cashier, you know, where the impulsive, hard to resists buys like chocolate are kept. Good marketing practice.
- For god’s sake, do NOT have milk for breakfast (with the exception of holidays)
- Do not consume more than one glass at a time
- Never ask for milk if you’re at someone’s as a guest. It’s like asking for Moet & Chandon (in terms of not every family having it, plus you’d be setting a bad example to their kids)
- Do some research so that you know why milk is so evil. Then you can complain about it to your Japanese friends and/or teach other gaijin the right way. Reading the book “The Lifestyle that Doesn’t Make You Sick” could be helpful (if you run out of reasons, there’s always the golden one of gaijin smelling bad because they consume dairy products)
(And no hot milk with honey before bed, your neighbours are watching you)
Yet another genius guide from the “Japanese Tradition”!
OK, here’s how they celebrate Valentine’s day in Japan.
Basically, women have to give chocolate to all the men they know. Work colleagues (sometimes called “duty chocolate”), classmates, friends etc. I remember our Japanese teacher brought chocolate to the class I had in England, and she only gave it to the guys. (Biatch)
However, “the one” deserves some special treatment. The trick is, for all these random men you bring shop bought chocolate, but for the one you like you have to make your own chocolate. On the other hand, not all of us have cocoa bean grinding equipment, so most women just buy baking chocolate, melt it, add things to it and shape it into their own mold. That’s what I’m doing, so I thought I could share the fruits of my hard labor in terms of ideas. Here are some links on how to make chocolate at home without any fancy equipment:
- A great video tutorial by John Scharffenberger, using cacao nibs, sugar and spices. Here.
- Another recipe, this time using baking chocolate, sugar, fat and cocoa powder. Here.
- An interesting recipe, using coconut. Here.
- This looks a little bit more simple and it includes some ideas on things you can add. Here.
Oh, and boys, don’t forget the White Day is coming…
OK, it’s a common truth that the Japanese don’t shave their hairy private parts. Now you’d think you don’t have to worry about that because the Japanese don’t generally see your shamefully Westernized bikini zone, right? Wrong.
Think of all the short but revealing moments in the onsen, while changing in the gym, etc.
So, you better get that bush growing..!
Now, what do you do if your boyfriend/girlfriend is NOT Japanese and might not understand your choice:
- if he/she lives in Japan too, it’s a good idea for them to also want to be part of the culture. You can both agree to stop shaving/trimming and save some time for other pleasant activities, like reading books or playing monopoly, because your sex drive might decrease with all that hair stuck in the teeth.
- If you left him/her in your home country, just don’t mention that next time you have skype sex.
- Actually, why are you dating a foreigner in the first place?! You live in Japan, and especially if you’re a man, you should NOT be dating a foreign woman. No one dates a foreign woman in Japan, apart from men on business trips (well, an Eastern European hostess migh get some catch).
OK, now lets have a look at possible consequences, advantages/disadvantages and practical tips.
Advantages & disadvantages:
- If you are a man with a small penis, you can hide it in your bush and no one will ever know. Even your girlfriend won’t know because it will go from one bush straight into another.
- You can hide the visible signs of STDs in that bush. No one can see genital warts once they’re covered by a good few centimetres of bush, now can they? Hence, you can still get laid; Moreover, people will not be afraid of you in the onsen even if you have all the ugliest STDs in the world.
- You save around 6,000yen each month if you stop waxing (which can buy you a dildo should your gaijin boyfriend dump you for that)
- Get some tooth-floss. You’ll need it to get out all the pubes stuck in your teeth.
- Get hair-bands, bobby pins and similar equipment before engaging into oral play.
- They say that the Japanese can pull-off the whole pube thing because their pubic hair is different. Tip: use the best, most rich hair conditioner on your pubes to make them as silky as possible. You may want to try hair straighteners.
Please refer to the article “Why the Japanese don’t shave” for an insight into this daring tradition.
OK, so last month they released a manga version of Marx’s “Das Kapital” in Japan. It sold 6,000 copies just in the first few days.
My first thought was “Wow, isn’t it great to introduce kids to alternative concepts at such a young age?”.
But then, (yet again), it hit me it’s Japan we’re talking about.
Maruo of EastPress Co says the target group is office workers in their 30s.
Now, first I wanted to rant that, man I spent all these hours when I was 17 trying to read that book and grasp the concept (mind you, I tried reading it in the original language, which didn’t ease understanding at all), when these guys over here just take a comic and get it all down.
But then, wouldn’t I want to do the same…?
(Feel free to mail me a copy. Cheers)